I feel like I’ve been in a constant state of limbo, waiting for the events I cant control in my life to get better somehow. Delaying actually “living” for something meaningful because “I’ll do that later, when things calm down”. Life is passing me by while I wait to properly live and experience things because it’s crisis after crisis. The more peace, experiences and health mean to me, the more they slip away further from my reach.
I try my best to endure everything patiently, stand my ground and keep my emotions in check, no other way to go through it. Justifying it as “it’s horrible right now but will get better, it’s got to”, but somehow never has in the last decade. Is this really my life? I struggle to accept how crappy it is, that for some unknown reason I wish I was given better circumstances. Sounds selfish but who doesn’t want a content life with health and happiness? At some point I want the universe to give something back instead of constantly taking for a change.
I keep updating the definition of “rock bottom”. Whenever I think I’ve hit that level of low, life seems to tell me otherwise, that it definitely can always get worse. I’ve dug myself out of deep holes life keeps throwing me in, but each time I make it out, I’m thrown a little deeper next time. By no means do I think I have it the worst despite what I’m saying, life is cruel to many in various degrees, but I definitely have been running low on fuel, I’ve been using my reserve tank for way longer than I should have, with no refill in sight.
Sorry for rant but mind has been going to places I wish it would stop going to. 😞
Hope you are keeping well. It's a positive step that you are looking to proactively improve your life. Strange thing about life is how circumstances can affect things so much. You could be the exact same person but have a much worse time of it if in a worse situation or be in a better situation and completely thrive and have the time of your life. I think different personalities can fare better in such different environments. That's why probably people more self-centred and strong-minded tend to really do well no matter how tough they have it but they may clash more in a better environment. Likewise, someone who benefits more from direction could thrive from that rather than clash but crumble more so where they lack support.
I think it's always important to keep perspective of things. For example, what you perceived a crisis a decade ago, you might consider a heavenly position to be in compared to what you consider a crisis now so things aren't as bad as we always think in the moment. If it's mainly things you can't control, then that will always be difficult to deal with but as long as you can keep the energy up on trying to improve things you can control, you will always end up in a better situation than if you let the situation drag you down further. That becomes the difficult part of keeping that energy up as you mentioned. However, the more you do, the luckier you get. Keeping emotions in check although good for coping, can probably prolong bad moments and the unwanted situation as you stop being present by not letting your emotions rise to the surface and fuel self-improvement.
Unfortunately, we as humans are fragile and always up against the race of time so it is always possible to go below rock bottom. When reaching the core of it, that can burn but usually affects the quality of life. You can still get plenty of meaning from life as long as you pursue what matters to you. This is the reason why you can find people who have nearly everything but still are unhappy but people who have almost got nothing but still be upbeat and happy.
When you think of fixing things, you do not need to do gigantic step forwards each time, just baby steps each time that can be achieved could be more effective to reach a better state of "living". Otherwise, if you constantly waiting to do things "later", life is actually incredibly short when you think about it so it is easy for it to just fly by. I know it's hard to live in a state like you are at the stage of feeling like "Game Over" yet you still need to soldier on and find purpose. By perservering and being able to laugh at the face of misery one day will be a lot more satisfying, rather than letting it take over the rest of your life.
Hope you can find the happiness, health and meaning you are looking for in life, you deserve it! Maybe worth looking for a local life coach if you feel you can benefit from it although they can be pricey, will be worth it if it helps you towards living your life how you want it. You live in a country of great opportunity so go grab it.
I'm getting feelings of worthlessness again. Nothing I do feels like it matters because I'm just bad at everything with at best subpar skills that anyone could easily take my spot yet through nothing but sheer Luck and no input on my own, I still have a pretty good job, nice family and friends but knowing it was only luck and I clearly don't deserve it or any of my very few achievements just makes the feeling worse. Why should I be where I am? Almost everyone is more worthy of taking my spot, I just bring it all down, mostly to myself but still. I'm just weak *** person who happens to keep getting Lucky and nothing to look back and say "I'm here because what I am able to do"
I really want the feeling to go away but I don't know how...
You can't be as bad as you think. Achievements are still achievements. Your employer has hired you as they see the value in you, and friends want to spend time with you for who you are. If you feel like you are bad at something, you can always work on improving your skillset bit by bit. You don't need to be exceptional at everything for it to matter, doing your best is enough.
I recently lost my mom and it feels like a part of my soul was rip from me. I'm having a hard time accepting her death and I keep wondering what the point of living is.
I loved her so much and the thought that I'm never gonna see her again is breaking my heart every minute of every day.
The level of depression I feel now is hard to put into words.
My condolences for your loss. Maybe speaking to relatives can help you get through this difficult time.
